Mesa Mark V:25 Holiday Giveaway!!!

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Tone Monster

Tone Monster

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What a great amp!!! I love a good laugh. Whoever makes me laugh the hardest wins!
Let’s go 3 days. LETS GO!!!
 

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Last time I went out with Dan the male man I couldn't walk straight or shit right for 3 weeks
 
Ok, I have a running series of original jokes that I've been meaning to post in the off topic forum, but I'll just put them in this thread instead (a few, at least). I basically take common sayings and turn them into porn titles (save for one joke about Jesus, which is based on the title of a song).


So, I saw this adult movie the other day. It was about a prostitute that charged twice as much for hand jobs as she did for actual sex. It was called....

"One In Her Hand Is Worth Two In Her Bush"
 
So, I saw this adult movie the other day. It was about this guy who was obsessed with doing 69 because he loved the view. It was called....

"What An Asshole!"
 
TheToneDig’s book is rated New York Times best seller.

When Dan feels extra naughty, he uses curly cables into an amp greater than 30W while wearing a bikini playing Dokken.
 
I bet the that Mark V:25 shits all over the Wizard.
 
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In the checkout line at the local grocery store a month ago, there was an insanely hot mid 20s chick in daisy dukes front of me who dropped change.

I haven't been laid in so long, I accidentally drooled on her ass. And yes I'm serious.
 
Poser bitches, what the fuck do these dick sticks know about making someone laugh...I'll take the amp from these fresh off the mountain non binary fucktards. They're probably too busy sharing selfies of their buttholes to even know about this righteous post of yours.
 
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Dude comes home one day to find his girlfriend packing up her stuff.

‘Baby what’s wrong, everything was fine this morning when I left!’

She goes ‘I’ve since heard you’re a pedophile!’

‘Pedophile? Don’t you think that’s an awfully big word for an 8 year old?’
 
Did you hear about the kid born with no eyelids?

The surgeon that circumcised him had the brilliant idea to form eyelids from the leftover skin.

The parents of the boy asked the doctor if the procedure was successful and the doctor replied...

He's a little bit cockeyed but he'll be OK.
 
True story about 2 years ago... me, heavy set, late 40's dude playing drums in an old school thrash band. We get invited to play a gig a tiny hole in the wall club with some younger gen punk bands. Total mismatch but still fun as fuck. Young chick with big tits wearing a semi see thru white tank top leaning against the wall was staring at me playing for most of the show... felt weird, semi flattered... after the set im having a few beers and she walks over and stares at me and tells me that im awesome... im thinking holy shit I might have to tell this chick i'm married. Then she says "my dad would have loved you guys"... in my head I literally heard that sound effect when you lose at the Price is Right :ROFLMAO: I just held my smile and was like.. ah cool... inside I was dying :ROFLMAO:

 
A guy has a dentist appointment at 3 o'clock, his wife gets home from work at 2 and she is very horny, they end up getting busy and they 69 for about a 1/2 hour. He realizes has 15 minutes to get to the dentist, he panics he goes in and brushes the hell out of his teeth with extra toothpaste and then mouthwash. When he gets to the parking lot of the dentist office he chews up a couple mints because hes paranoid about his breath. The dentist is working on him and all the sudden the dentist stops and said "Hey did you just recently 69"? The guy says "oh my God can you smell pussy on my breath"? The dentist says "no your forehead smells like shit"!
 
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat...​


As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Jewish men who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba"
 
True story
6th grade my friends grandma and mom still took him in the bathroom with them.
At a roy rogers bathroom he somehow git a real good look at his grandma’s coochie.
Mind you this was an old crusty italian lady pushing 80 I reckon at that point.
Well he got hooked on seeing that nasty old gash and became a professional peeping tom and roped me into helping him.
My house happened to be next door to his grandma’s, so one Saturday evening while my parents were out we grabbed a ladder and positioned it in front of the bathroom window.
He went inside and broke the venetian blinds so there was a space to look into the bathroom.
We rigged all this shit up and then waited for his nan to hopefully piss so we could see THE UPSIDE DOWN TRIANGLE THING WITH THREE HOLES.
I suggested he go in and make her chocolate milk and get her to drink it so she would take a piss quicker which of course he did and of course it didn’t work.
So then we are both of us out on the foldable ladder wrecked up so it was tall enough to actually be able to see into the bathroom position on a bunch of boards up and away only a six grader could do one suddenly my parents pulled into the driveway get out of the car and ask hey what the hell are you guys doing?
Where are Stonecoal busted and speechless my dad nowhere up to no good when I said we’re trying to fix the window????
After that we got into stealing copies of Hossler from the local stationary store and so began my lifelong obsession with vagina which continues to this day.
The end
?
 
My jacket was accidentally picked up by some random person at the gym. It had my keys and cell phone in it. When I went up to the desk to borrow the desk phone to call my girlfriend to come pick me up, I realized that I only knew her number by her name in my phone. The guy at the gym counter lost his mind when I said "I can't F'ing believe it. I have to call my ex wife to get my girlfriends phone number." True story.
 
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