well wouldja lookie here
i’m telling you brothers, all was not well in smallville back in the 90s. that same gay director/producer couple i spoke of previously hosted a wrap party one evening at the conclusion of a children’s tv pilot we shot for ABC. adult and child cast, crew and industry “special guests” attended. did i mention this was all based around saturday morning children’s tv programming?
the host announced that “Hors d'oeuvres” were being served outside by the pool. my wife and i happened to be closest to the doorway they were pointing towards so we were first to head that way and starving to boot!
without exaggeration, lined up side by side behind the 4 overtly ornate serving tables were approximately a dozen radically gay adult males dressed just like the leather biker in the village people. and that wasn’t the worst part. they were behaving highly sexualized. the way they all looked at me in particular was exactly like a coven of intoxicated fag vampires that just pounded a truckload of spanish flys. guarantee that they would’ve taken turns raping my dead body for three weeks straight if given the chance. there was zero smiling, humor or campiness about them. they weren’t there to serve food and didn’t say a word. just an evil gaggle of perverts groping each other while staring at me and my wife like we were the food.
it was so damn tense i spun my wife’s back to them and whispered “what the hell is this!?!” and she looked back at me scared. we kept our eyes on them as we sidestepped out of that sinister pit of horny homos pronto. the only redeeming aspect of that fateful experience was that one of the writer’s had a husband from the big apple who was a stand up comedian hired to perform that night. he took it upon himself to base the entire act on tasteless unfiltered gay jokes. after trying to choke down the first few laughs in an absolutely funeral silent room full of predominantly unamused gay power brokers, my wife finally broke first with a hilarious yelp through her nose trying desperately not to laugh, and then i friggen LOST IT!!
. it was one of the most awkward comedic moments ever. me and my wife gasping for air laughing so hard while looking around as everyone else glared back at us like we were lepers, then slowly regaining composure like “oh-oh” because no one else thinks it’s funny or dares laugh, then seeing each other and screaming full tilt all over again! it got to the point the comedian wasn’t even telling jokes anymore and we were just gasping trying to make our way out!
as a long time cali resident i’ve endured loads of pride parade crap and had to navigate the gayest of gay west hollywood glue factories on a bustling saturday summer night trying to get home from a concert or shoot, yet nothing comes close to that Schiff fantasy back in the mid 90s.
