GUITAR CONTEST PART II Jackson V Closed to Further Entries

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I just wish everybody luck and congratulations to the winner I don't really have a story I could never afford one when I was younger and for some reason I never owned one. I've always wanted one but there are much more deserving people than me. I've owned everything else but it's very cool what you're doing! Bless your heart!
 
madrigal77 said:
I'm walking through the woods one day, and suddenly something very large is crashing through the underbrush. Over the ruckus, I can just make out someone yelling "Yeah!". Seconds later as I come into a clearing, James Hetfield busts out of the bushes riding a bear. The bear has a saddle and girdle like a horse, and has clearly been ridden before.

Just as the bear comes to a skidding halt, James dismounts by jumping off and doing 16 flips in the air. He lands directly in front of me with his hand out for a handshake. "Lars told me you're a big fan" he says. I shake his hand and we talk about gear and music for the next half an hour. The bear sat there nicely like a dog the whole time. We say our goodbyes, James hops back on the bear, and with a "Yeah!" he's gone back into the underbrush.

James has quite a grip. My hand still hurts to this day from that handshake.
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16 flips? I don’t believe you
 
madrigal77 said:
I counted. 16 full rotations.
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Today is the last day to get in an entry.
Post it up if you want a chance to win the V.
Will be announcing the winner by the 5th of May.
GL!
 
A story of a late 70’s rhythm section who I loved and miss greatly. Even though I would often look up and realize one of them was outside smoking in the middle of a chart. Their reasoning was it was “a bad bass part anyway”.

Rocco’s orange VW van was the happening place on road trips and at 80 miles per hour it happened to draw the attention of the Peabody police. When Mark, Johnny, and Pete Mitchell got out of the van to speak to the officer I thought maybe they had picked up Cheech and Chong in St Louis. We all got tickets for speeding which was fortunate because I am sure that felony jail time was warranted on someone’s part.

Late as usual we rolled into Humboldt for the country club gig and persuaded the mayor, the Honorable Manny Levinson, to try and help us with the ticket. The rhythm section later admitted to putting out a fire in the van with my tux coat during the traffic stop. Even my dog wouldn’t get near my coat when we got back to Seaside.
 
I had a color illustration to go with this but ran out of time (Think of a wrestler beating the shit out of a leprechan) so this is what I got. Thanks for doing the contest, it's very cool. I have also attatched the word doc so its formatted correctly and easy to read if you would rather read that.


OK, I don't really like to tell this story because it was so long ago and it's pretty hard to believe, but for the chance at that Jackson I'll do it just this once.....

The story starts back in the early 80s. Game shows were all the rage at the time (due to porno being scarce and of grainy quality still) I was an up-and-coming host. The show was a pilot for what the network had slyly termed "HEY FUCK YOU!" and I was the host Chip Remington. Now, in retrospect I am not sure the show would have ever gotten green lighted, but at the time it seemed like a good idea, but let me explain; The show was to feature a panel of celebrities of various levels of fame, the host (yours truly) and an audience that also interacted. The host would read off various facts that would be seen as embarrasing to one of the celebrities while the audience shouted their choice of who it pertained to. The contestant would have to decide whether the adusience was correct and "call out" the celebrity. The scenario would repeat with a series of facts being read and inevitably lead to celebrities getting pissed off and if they had enough they could yell the catchphrase "Hey Fuck You!" and exit stage left while being pelted by the audience with buckets of items they had been supplied with; gummy worms, bolts, tomatoes, old batteries, etc (you get the picture) Anyway, just trying to give you an idea of the setting even though that's not really the point.

I was backstage reading through the classifieds and wishing I had finished plumbing school. I could hear the audience warming up beyond the curtain, chants of "HEY FUCK YOU!" filled the air as various people from catering and production fumbled around the area barking orders. This was pretty normal as I had done a couple of pilots for shows before, they were always a busy clusterfuck, and I had learned to tune it out for the most part. So I was checking my nails for coke residue (in vain I might add) when I heard a high pitched voice pipe up "What the fuck! I'm not doing this shit!" followed by an inaudible response and more loud cursing. I turned around to see what the commotion was and realized it was one of todays celebrity contestants; Ronnie James Dio. He seemed to be leafing through the "fact questions" and not liking the idea of it. "I once fucked a cat on the tour bus?" "I only eat meat loaf before a show because it makes me sing more manly?" "My shoes have eight inch lifts because I'm a dwarf?" "Who the fuck wrote these?"

Just then my production manager Howard went scrambling past me and gave me a "god help me" look so I decided to intervene. I walked over to the short, balding, David the Gnome look-alike and introduced myself. "Hey Ronnie, I'm the host Chip, hows it going?" The wee mans response took me off guard: "Who the fuck wrote these? I'm not doing this bullshit. Where's my manager? Where the fuck is Earl?" At that, Dio started looking around frantically only to find himself awash in a sea of other peoples belt buckles. I had heard that Ronnie got anxiety in crowds of people that were taller than five feet but until seeing this in person I thought it was an urban myth. I reached my arm down to the little mans shoulder and tried to calm him. "Hey Ronnie, calm down, I'm sure Earl is around here somewhere. Lets find you a quiet place to chill out and I'll go look for him." As my arm touched the leprechaun's shoulder something changed in him. His eyes lit up, a feral sound broiled up from within his chest, and he snapped his head to side and latched onto my left hand with his goblin teeth. In complete shock, I jerked my hand back from the pint-sized prince of darkness. As I recoiled I heard another voice yelling and beyond the black stare of the enraged Dio I saw what I could only assume to be Earl running forward with his hands outstretched holding what appeared to be a tiny leprechaun costume. He was yelling for Ronnie to calm down and it didn't seem to be working.

The little person known as RJD had started circling me with a mixture of hate and fear in his eyes. Earl then looked at me and started clammoring; "You can't touch Ronnie! No one touches Ronnie except me, he doesn't like that." In an attempt to sooth the mini metalhead, Earl produced a black silk sheet (where or why he was carrying this I do not know) and draped it over Dio's head like you would a parakeet when you need them to sleep. "This usually works when he gets like this" Earl assured me. And to my suprise it actually helped some. Ronnie's crazed gait seemed to slow up some. This gave me a chance to look at the bite on my hand. Two of my fingers were bleeding and there was a large cut on the tip of my thumb. "Oh wow, your gonna wanna get that looked at, Ronnie has a medical history" Earl advised. "Look I'm the host, I was just tying to keep the peace" I added. Earl didn't seem to consider my comment, he had moved to stroking the top of Dio's head through the sheet
and cooing to him. Still holding the leprechan costume, Earl started to explain to Dio that it was time to get into wardrobe. Ronnie pulled the sheet off and actually seemed calmer. That was until he saw the leprechaun costume.

"I'm not wearing that! This show is bullshit! Did you see those questions? Who told em that shit about me Earl. Who? I'm fucking leaving!" With that, Ronnie started to turn to walk off. Now as the host it's my job to save the show at all costs and decided to try another approach; "Mr Dio, if you leave you will be in violation of your contract and will forfeit any monies due for your appearance as well as take responsibility for the studios losses today." This seemed to set the little monster off more than last time. "AAAAAHHH" DIO screamed in that high-pitched, caught my nuts on barbwire, voice that only he can do and he wheeled on me. Seeing this change in behaviour, Earl simply stated "Now your fucked." and started to back away as Ronnie closed in on me.
 

Attachments

Now I have been fucked around by my share of celebrities in my time. I once had Prince call me a faggot (I thought it was ironic), I got knocked out by Holifield over some potato salad and would later go on to be molested by Micheal Jackson, but this was a little much. Not that I don't respect Dio for his singing but cmon, he's no fucking Ozzy and I will be damned if I back down from someone who gets turned away from the teacups ride due to height issues. So I decided to stand my ground. Dio was now coming at me at full speed, I braced myself for the impact as he launched himself at my face like a spider monkey. I was suprised at the amount of air he got. Jumping from what I estimate a height of four feet he had managed to latch himself on to my face. With his legs around my neck and his hands wrapped in my hair, Dio proceeded to bite at my face and tear his teeth across the bridge of my nose. I could smell the clovers on his dank breath and he shrieked and gnashed at me. I don't know if he had done this type of thing before but it was actually working. Dio was effectivly smothering me while he ripped my face to shreds. I tried to pry the munchkin off of me but he had an iron grip that would not relent. In a desperate move I decided to run face first into the wall. With a crash we both went down to the floor but it worked. He seemed to be dazed and his lock on my head had let up. Trying to shake off the cobwebs, I stood up and looked around thinking someone would help but there were only a few people in the backstage now and they only seemed to stare with curiosity. I started to turn to look for Earl and I felt it; Dio had latched on to my ankle and was doing his best attempt to chew my foot off. At this point I was getting pissed and decided I was probably fired anyway so I started kicking my foot against the wall as hard as I could to get the evil elf off of me.

Once Dio let up on my ankle I decided to get even. While he was rolling around making gutteral noises I started to stomp on his legs. I was honestly hoping to paralyze him. Somehow in my enraged mind if I could make him even shorter by paralyzing him we would be even. With each stomp Dio replied with a dog like howl which gave me satisfaction. Hell, he fucked my face and hand up pretty badly so I didn't feel bad. After an adequate stomping, the aroma of fieces filled the room so I slowed down and Dio curled up into a ball and rolled away from me. It still reminds me of that movie Critters when I picture him rolling away. I thought it was over with and started to breath some when I saw the little man on his knees. He was digging in his belt for something. With a smile he produced a ceremonial dagger and started toward me again. I looked around and saw the step ladder they had set up for Ronnie for when he was to stand at the podium. I grabbed it and thought of the poetic justice as I slammed it over his head. I guess my adrenaline was really going as I had hit Dio so hard he collapsed completely and wasn't moving. I stood there staring at the three foot long heap in the floor and wondered how I could convince a jury that this pale, albino version of webster was a threat to my life.

Just as I was weighing a life in San Quentin versus a life in Tiajuana my production manager walked up. "What the fuck are you doing Chip?" he asked with disbelief. I tried to explain: "The little fucker attacked me! what was I supposed to do?" His reply was straight and to the point:"I don't know, maybe let him go and use an alternate like we went over in the meeting. Were you even paying attention in the meeting?" I had to admit I wasn't paying attention. The new OZZY solo album had just came out and it was all the rage. I had had my walkman on listening with glee during the production meeting and didn't catch any of it. "your gonna have to get your shit together Chip, this is show business" Howard scolded. He then turned and said "This is the alternate for DIO his name is Randy something or other, take it easy on him, he's new to the limelight."

I couldn't believe it. This was Randy Rhoads and he was gonna be on my show! I had so many questions to ask but there was no time for that. Maybe we could talk later though. I briskly walked up to the hottest new guitarist in metal and introduced myself. "Hello Mr Rhoads, my name is Chip, it's an honor to meet you." Randy shook my hand and quielty said the pleasure was his as he eyed the chaos of the backstage area. I briefly explained I was a big fan and hoped we could talk later. He seemed very appreciative of the kind words and followed me toward the curtain for the set. I heard the shows music que up and the crowd yell "HEY FUCK YOU" and I knew it was gonna be a great show. And that's the story of how I met Randy Rhoads.
 
I've got a last minuet submission...

Part 1: Prelude to Adventure

It was a day that started like any other. Waking up I get out of bed and go through my usual routine before heading to work. Leaving the house something was telling me that this was going to be a day like no other.

I arrived at work to see a multitude of people around the building scurrying around doing all sorts of work. There were people putting up scaffolding, camera crews, fire crews, security detail; the whole 9 yards. I didn’t know what to think was going on. I spotted a coworker in the parking lot and asked what the heck is going on here. Well, I had been out the past week on vacation and apparently missed the memo about the lab being used to film part of a movie.

He pulled the notice up on his phone and pointed out that the company was giving us a paid day off. Or if anyone was interested they’d use some of us as extras in a few scenes. As much as I would enjoy a free paid day off, I figured what the hell I’m already up here I may as well stick around.

I asked my coworker if he knew the movie was. He said it was some bio pic about a musician called Crazy Ed or something like that. He wasn’t familiar with the singer. I’m thinking to myself who the F is Crazy Ed? I figured it was someone rather unknown.

As I said I decided to hang around anyway with the off chance I may get selected to be in the video. A few minutes go by and I hear the director call that they’re about to start filming. One of the set crew come over to where I was standing, pointed at me, and motioned for me to come over. I figured I was in the way and he was telling me to move aside. He looked me over for a second and said “you’ll do, come with me”. I actually got chosen to be an extra.

I was told I was going to have a small speaking part (just as quick 1 liner) with one of the main actors and they wanted me to run the line with him. They also told me the artist (the one the bio pic is about) was going to watch too. I was thinking ok cool, hopefully no one gets offended if I don’t know who this Crazy Eddie is.

Everything is all set up for the quick practice run and the actor and artist are walking over to the set. I start to get a good look at them. It’s this short little dude wearing fake glasses and a cheesy curly hair wig. The other is fairly tall and looks like he has that same cheesy wig. As they come into better view I realize the short guy is fucking Harry Potter aka Daniel Radcliffe. Not it can’t be…. The taller guy is F-ing Weird Al. HOLY SHIT!!! I’m on the set of the Weird Al movie!!!!!! And HOLY SHIT #2, I get to act with them.

They introduce themselves and we practice the line right quick. It went smoothly and the director decided let’s go ahead and do it for real. While we wait for everything to reset I get to chat with them for a few minutes. Everything’s reset and we do the scene; get it in one take.

Daniel still had some scenes to do and went off, but Weird Al was done for the day. He said he was going to get some food and asked if I wanted to join him. We went to a local place down the road and spent a few hours just chatting.
 
Part 2: The Chase

Here’s where things took a turn. We’re leaving the restaurant when this unmarked black van stops in front of us. Two guys jump out the side knocking me to the ground as they grabbed Weird Al. The last thing I saw was Al having a sack put over his head as he was being thrown into the van. FUCK ME!!!! AL’S BEEN KIDNAPPED!!!

I jump up off the ground running into the street starting to chase after the van. There’s no way I’m going to catch this on foot. I see a motorcycle coming up get out in front to stop it. I yell at the rider “THEY GOT WEIRD AL!! I NEED YOUR BIKE!! I jump on the bike and now am in hot pursuit of the van.

As I catch up approaching the rear of the van someone must have noticed they were being chased. All of a sudden the rear doors fly open revealing several guys with Uzis pointed directly at me. They open fire as I swerve side to side. This is full on action movie chase scene, but for real.

Somehow I’m able to avoid all the gunfire and make it to the side of the van. The driver then ram me. Just as the bike goes down I’m able to grab hold of the door. As I hang there I’m able to open the door and yank the passenger out. The back tire runs him over as he hits the pavement.

I start punching the driver and grabbing for the wheel. One of the kidnappers in the back grabs me and pulls me in the back. We begin to fight. I grab at his gun as we struggle. It goes off firing several bullets around Weird Al. We struggle more, aging the gun fires this time hitting the driver killing him. As I continue to struggle I realize the driver is dead; the only thing keeping the van on the road is his body slumped over the wheel.

I have to end this fast. Somehow I’m able to wrestle the gun away and shoot the last kidnapper. I jump to the driver seat hitting the breaks, stopping the van. Weird Al is safe; so I thought. I pull the bag off his head only to reveal that it’s a decoy. What do I do now…..
 
Part 3: The Rescue

I look around the van for clues as to where they may have taken Al. I find as phone with google maps up with directions leading directly to the hideout. What a lucky break. I follow the directions an abandoned building in the downtown warehouse district. I survey the area seeing what appeared to be guards near the entrance. No one looked to be on high alert so I don’t think they were expecting anyone to find the hideout.

This time I have the advantage of surprise. I stealthily take out the guards one by one no alerting anyone to my presence. As I make my way through the hallways checking each room I finally find where Al is being held captive. I hear Al yell “do your worst I won’t talk”. As I peer through a crack in the door I see a bloody and beaten Al. Just then I see someone take a hammer to Al’s foot. I hear the whack of the hammer and nothing else. Al took the blow without making a sound. Al speaks again, is that the best you can do? Pathetic”. As much as he’s taken so far I can see he’s close to his breaking point. I have to save him now.

I bust through the door taking everyone by surprise. As the henchmen turn their weapons towards me I take each one down with a shot to the head. All but the big boss who ducked for cover go down as I run out of ammo. The boss emerges from his cover and fires at me as I duck for cover. I manage to avoid the first few shots, but a bullet catches me in the leg and I go down. Then I hear a voice. “So, you’ve come to save the weird one.” It was fucking Daniel Radcliffe, he abducted Weird Al. He walks toward me and puts the barrel of the gun against my forehead. He has me dead to rights. And what does the fucker do? Instead of pulling the trigger, he makes the same mistake that every villain does. He start to monologue his entire plan.

As Daniel blathers on I spot a knife a few feet from me. I crawl my way to it hoping he doesn’t realize what I’m doing. As I grab the knife Daniel realizes what I’m doing. He looks at me and raises his gun. “Don’t you know you don’t bring a knife to a gun fight?” I respond I don’t need a gun, I’ve got a Weird.

Just then a chair breaks over the back of his head sending him down towards me. He falls chest first onto my knife. He stands and his expression changes as he slowly realizes what has happened. He looks down at his chest as he grabs the handle pulling the knife out of his heart. He takes one final step as the knife falls to the floor. The Daniel falls over dead. Al then looks at Daniels corpse and shouts “Amish Paradise Bitch!!!”

Weird Al is saved!!
 
Contest is closed. Lots of funny and crazy stuff! Do y'all have a favorite? Will be going over everyone's entries once more with some mod input, and will announce the winner within the next few days. Keep an eye out! GL! ❤️
 
Should be announcing the winner tomorrow, possibly a runner up prize as well! Thank y'all for doing this and taking the time to stretch out those imaginations. Some of you definitely went above and beyond. Could have done without the blumpkin thing :oops:, but I'm open to learning about new things :ROFLMAO:
 
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