Fret-Shredder
Well-known member
You know how to tell it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house... When the big hand touches the little hand.
SomedudeinTX
Active member
Not mine but I thought it was funny:
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Bash_Man
Well-known member
A girl walks in on her mom giving her dad a hand job.. girl asks "mommy.. what are you doing?" Mom says "Oh i am just letting some air out of daddy:.. girl says "what's the point mommy.. the neighbor lady will just blow him up tomorrow"
Metlupass2
Well-known member
You recorded while blowing out my asshole ? You sicko
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kmanick
Well-known member
my wife was relieved my test came back negative,
Mailman1971
Moderator
That’s all digital effect trickery.
crwnedblasphemy
Well-known member
https://soundbible.com/286-Wet-Fart-Squish.html
Fuck I need an amp. haha Simple yet effective for a laugh!
Fuck I need an amp. haha Simple yet effective for a laugh!
311splawndude
Well-known member
This is very nice of you to do Tone Monster. Looks like there is no limit to how many we can post? I'm not going to flood the thread with posts or retorts but I will leave you a few Cat Memes as these are funny as shit to me. Super cool of you and happy holidays. 
TheRealDonnie
Banned
Well-known member
Wild West cowboy walks into a saloon and proclaims,
"I ain't got no money but I'll take on any dare for a bottle of whiskey."
The regulars huddle with the barkeep and start thinking of dares. Bartender finally says,
"The biggest bottle of our finest bourbon if you drink from that there spittoon."
Cowboy walks over and peers down into a large and completely full pot of the slimiest,
eye watering rancid glob of utter disgust he's ever seen, waits a tic then says, "Sure."
Dude picks up the spittoon with both hands, tips it to his mouth and begins to slurp.
After just a few seconds the bartender says, "OK, OK, you won. You can stop."
Dude signals wait and keeps on slurping.
Some of the regulars are gagging and begging the dude to STOP but he just keeps holding
up a single finger every time and slurping with large loud swallows every few seconds.
Guys are throwing up now and running from the place, and the barkeep has stopped watching.
Finally he hears the kettle set back on the floor and turns to see the cowboy standing at the bar
and wiping the remnants of the gooey and stinking mess from around his mouth.
Bartender slides him his bottle and says, "Mister, you didn't have to keep going. Why didn't you just stop?"
Dude, all cleaned up takes a big swig of whiskey and answers,
"Tried to but it was all in one piece."
"I ain't got no money but I'll take on any dare for a bottle of whiskey."
The regulars huddle with the barkeep and start thinking of dares. Bartender finally says,
"The biggest bottle of our finest bourbon if you drink from that there spittoon."
Cowboy walks over and peers down into a large and completely full pot of the slimiest,
eye watering rancid glob of utter disgust he's ever seen, waits a tic then says, "Sure."
Dude picks up the spittoon with both hands, tips it to his mouth and begins to slurp.
After just a few seconds the bartender says, "OK, OK, you won. You can stop."
Dude signals wait and keeps on slurping.
Some of the regulars are gagging and begging the dude to STOP but he just keeps holding
up a single finger every time and slurping with large loud swallows every few seconds.
Guys are throwing up now and running from the place, and the barkeep has stopped watching.
Finally he hears the kettle set back on the floor and turns to see the cowboy standing at the bar
and wiping the remnants of the gooey and stinking mess from around his mouth.
Bartender slides him his bottle and says, "Mister, you didn't have to keep going. Why didn't you just stop?"
Dude, all cleaned up takes a big swig of whiskey and answers,
"Tried to but it was all in one piece."
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C
creep66
Well-known member
stratjacket
Well-known member
Love all these jokes...keep em coming !!
Here's another from my cajun heritage:
I'm sitting out on my porch when I see Boudreaux walking by. I yell out "Hey Boudreaux, what you got?" Boudreaux says "I got me some crab grass, I'm gonna go catch me some crabs, you wanna come?" I said "oh hell Boudreaux you ain't gonna catch no crabs with no crabgrass."
Couple hours later, Boudreaux walks by with a bucket full of crabs.
Next day, I see Boudreaux walking by. I yell out "Hey Boudreaux, what you got?" Boudreaux says "I got me some duct tape, I'm gonna go catch me some ducks, you wanna come?" I said "oh hell Boudreaux you ain't gonna catch no ducks with no duct tape."
Couple hours later, Boudreaux walks by with a bucket full of ducks.
Next day, I see Boudreaux walking by. I yell out "Hey Boudreaux, what you got?" Boudreaux says "I got me some pussy willow, I'm gonna go...."
"Oh shit, I'm coming with ya today !!"
Here's another from my cajun heritage:
I'm sitting out on my porch when I see Boudreaux walking by. I yell out "Hey Boudreaux, what you got?" Boudreaux says "I got me some crab grass, I'm gonna go catch me some crabs, you wanna come?" I said "oh hell Boudreaux you ain't gonna catch no crabs with no crabgrass."
Couple hours later, Boudreaux walks by with a bucket full of crabs.
Next day, I see Boudreaux walking by. I yell out "Hey Boudreaux, what you got?" Boudreaux says "I got me some duct tape, I'm gonna go catch me some ducks, you wanna come?" I said "oh hell Boudreaux you ain't gonna catch no ducks with no duct tape."
Couple hours later, Boudreaux walks by with a bucket full of ducks.
Next day, I see Boudreaux walking by. I yell out "Hey Boudreaux, what you got?" Boudreaux says "I got me some pussy willow, I'm gonna go...."
"Oh shit, I'm coming with ya today !!"
Bash_Man
Well-known member
Boys wakes up to Mom and Dad going at it.. but the boy being young, he didn't understand what was going on.. but he kept hearing dad loudly say "oh baby.. I love your hot snach".. next day the boy wakes up and goes the kitchen, opens the oven and yells "MOM.. do we have any more of that Hot snach dad was raving about last night"
psychodave
Well-known member
C
Candiria
Well-known member
"We came back with a bucket full of kittens"
gbsmusic
Well-known member
B
Beandust
Well-known member
the perfect NYE gift for your significant other.
get head from your girl, blow load in her face then bloody her nose. Strawberry Shortcake
get head from your girl, blow load in her face then bloody her nose. Strawberry Shortcake
shredi knight
Well-known member
So, I heard about this new, racially themed adult movie that's coming out. It stars an African American woman who has really big upper legs. It's called....
"Black Thighs Fatter"
"Black Thighs Fatter"
scottosan
Well-known member
I didn’t realize that’s frowned upon
Fret-Shredder
Well-known member
scottosan
Well-known member
Just when you think your life is tough, just be thankful your not this guy
#FirstWorldProblems
#FirstWorldProblems